Its has been so long since i uploaded a real post. I know we no longer blog anymore and i was going to stop and shut down my blog but then i realize my blog is my journal and for me to just express myself judged free at times.
So in regards to this post it was organized suppose to be featured in a magazine article that would have been posted now but unfortunately it did not happen due to covid and other issues beyond my control. I was disappointed 😞 but i realized i can still put out my journey for others to see understand and be aware.
I say thank you in advance as this was hard to talk about and its often something that is not shared alot. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and comments.
The day that I discovered that I was pregnant with my son was the happiest day of my life as often people who do not know me personally know that I had struggled for years to get pregnant. There was nothing wrong with me at all but at the time I was working at a very stressful job and I believe that it was not the place or time for me to have a child. During those times I felt less of a woman and thought why this was not happening to me, what did I do to have this issue or why is it so hard for me to get pregnant.
I remember the day I knew I was pregnant back in November of 2017. I told my husband my period was late and he told me oh you know that nothing it happens but you will get it but I knew differently. So at 2am in the morning I took a pregnancy test well about five of them lol and all came back positive. I woke up my husband and told him the news and he kissed me and stated that I did not need to stress anymore. Yes I was relieved and excited we were having a baby due in July of 2019. Our lives were going to change forever.
My pregnancy was overall good I did not have complications in the beginning and I worked through my entire pregnancy. When the blood work started to come through later on I was told I had a rare blood type that produce a rare antibody that could affect the baby and I was informed I needed to be induced at 37 weeks. I was scared of course. So on June 25 of 2018 I ended up with c-section and had a healthy baby boy. All was well in the world. I was a new mother and I was adjusting well getting into the swings of things.
During this time people would check in on me to see how I was doing and if I was having the baby blues which is what women often have after giving birth. I was good. I ended up being on maternity leave for four months as that was all I can do while being out unfortunately. So I was a new mom with a four month old and had to go back to work. During this time was when I started to feel different but would push it aside.
What made me realize that I may have postpartum depression was that I was becoming very emotional off of any and everything. I am a typical emotional person but this time it would be more extreme. When I tried to open up to people who I thought would understand I was only told that this is part of life and get over it. You know how hurtful it was to hear that. For me I am the most understanding and caring person . I am always there for anyone who needs me but when it was my turn it was not received at all. In fact it put me in a more negative and in a deeper hole if that makes sense.
I started to isolate myself, not answering phone calls and not going out at all. If I was invited out I turn it down because I felt that it was not genuine at all. Prior to having my son everyone would blow up my phone and hang out with me. After having my child the phone was mostly silent with a few people I spoke to hear and there. There was even family who disregarded my feelings at the time and that hurt the most. I will not lie I was in a very bad space that it started to cause issue with my marriage. I felt like my husband did not understand me or was not being supportive as I needed him to be. I was doubting myself as a mother feeling that I was not good enough as seeing all other moms on social media look like motherhood is simple and easy and that anyone could do it but I was wrong.
My wakeup call was realizing that there was more to life and that it was ok to not be ok. Once I understood and accepted this I was able to move on. I did also seek counseling which has helped me a lot and have been taking it day by day. I know that I still have a long way to go in my journey and I may not be fully healed but I’m on the way to being a better and stronger wife and mother. I also found a support group of other mothers that can relate to me and what I am currently and will continue to go through. I know that there are other women out here who are going through something similar and I want my story to encourage and inspire them.